Colorblind
by Shadow of the Forgotten Ones
Summary: Dean doesn't want to see in colors, doesn't want to end up like his old man. But Sam. Sam wants them just like he wants normal. Dean doesn't mind because a happy Sam is a happy Dean. Even if it means Sam leaving. Then dad goes missing and Sam can see colors. Feck.
1. Starting In Grays

Dean's life has always been in shades of gray. There were times when he was holding Sam, or loving Sam, or raising Sam that he daydreamed about seeing colors that books tried to described. But those few daydreams were overshadowed by the reality of his father's drunken grieving. By the thrown bottles and pain filled cries of a man who saw love and lost it. That is what Dean feared more than the monsters he helped hunt. Sam, in typical Sam fashion, craved it like he craved everything the Winchester boys couldn't afford to have. Which means, like anything with Sam, Dean tried his damnedest to give it to Sam or at least give him a chance of having it. It's one of the reasons that he ignored the college letters Sam received toward the end. It's why he squirreled away money to slip into Sam's bag. Sam was his child, though Dean never consciously thought of him that way. He raised his little brother, taught him everything he could and he believed in the saying 'if you love them, let them go.'

So he let Sam go. Weathered the resulting anger and disappointment from their father with a secret grin. Sam was going to go places. And just because he let Sam go didn't mean he didn't still keep an eye on him. Dean spent too long looking after Sam to just stop. This is how he knew that his little brother had a girlfriend. A girlfriend and loads of friends. The normal life Sam craved so desperately. That's what really kept Dean away the longest though he often wanted to drag Sam home with him. But life has a nasty habit of screwing Winchesters over, which is why nearly two years later he breaks into his brother's apartment. It's a bit creepy, he knows, to be slipping around like this but it isn't his fault! Sam wouldn't answer the phone if he knew the call was from Dean even if the phone bit him. So he's not surprised that he ends up wrestling with Sam.

"You're out of practice," he teases when he pins Sam to the ground. There is a joke about going soft in old age on the tip of his tongue but Sam… Sam is staring at him like he's the best thing in the world or a stranger that is beyond interesting.

"Sam?"

"You've got green eyes like mom."

It knocks the air out of his lungs. Sam can see colors. Sam has a soulmate, one that he obviously loves. Dean sees them standing together, Sam with his arm around her waist possessively and she has a possessive hold on his arm, and knows that he can't do what he came to do. It's too dangerous, he doesn't want what happened to Dad to happen to either of them. Plus he doubts that Sam has told the bombshell, and holy hell if this is how she looks in grayscale what will she look like in HD, about the things that go bump in the night. So Dean turns on his charm, flirting is second nature to him by now, and hopes it will be enough to keep Sam from meaning any yes's he says. He knows better than to try and make it seem like he doesn't want Sam's help though so he ribs Sam into coming down to the Impala to listen to a message he got from their dad. While they go down Dean gets Sam talking about his life. Pride swells in him at the fact that his brother plans on going to law school! Law school! His baby brother a lawyer! They listen to the tape and Dean admits that he doesn't want to do this alone. He hates hunting on his own but he will. He will for Sam to have his white picket fence.

"I'll help you with this but I have to be back by Monday. I mean it Dean, Monday."

Dean doesn't beat his head against his Baby, regretting taking him down here at the stubborn set to Sam's voice, but it's a close call. With a mix of feelings he agrees to the time limit.

It's nice hunting with Sam again. Even with the arguments and the low blows. Even with the evil spirit and getting arrested. He loves it and almost regrets taking Sam home. Dean has never viewed home as a place but the people that inhabits the place. Sam and Dad that was his home and Baby, even though she isn't really a person she feels close enough to one for him, is his home. But to Sam that apartment is Sam's home, Jess is too probably. So Dean takes Sam home to her.

"You know," he speaks at the last moment, watching Sam walk away from him, "we made a hell of a team back there."

It's probably the closest he can get to begging Sam to let him back in his life, for Sam to invite him up, to invite him to call, for Sam to say anything, something that means Sam wants him there. Because they both know that this is Sam's last hunt, that he didn't mean what he said before. Sam smiles sadly.

"Yeah."

Dean takes it as a 'don't be a stranger' and drives off. He hasn't gone far when something in his gut tells him to go back, something is wrong. It's never been wrong before so he goes back. He goes back and hates himself for not being quicker. Because it's a thing from a nightmare, a memory, that is waiting for him when he gets there. He can't save Jess, just like he couldn't save his mom, but he can save Sam so he does. The parallels between the two nights will haunt him, but he pushes past it and drags Sam out. The mantra of Jess that slip out of Sam's mouth with every labored breath and the later pleads for the colors to stay. Please god not Jess, not the colors. Let them stay because if they stay she's okay. Let her be okay. Hurts like gunshots, like knife slashes and creatures claws. It's worse than the time dad would hug him whispering that there were times when he looked at Dean he saw Mary instead. It hurts worse than the times his girlfriends told him they could see colors but it wasn't because of him. There isn't much Dean can do while the firefighters put out the fire that has eaten everything Sam care for. But he tries, he grabs his brother and rocks him, not letting Sam see anything and sings Hey Jude under his breath. And just like that he's back in a dusty hotel that dad left them in worrying about food and knowing that Sam comes first because Sam is his to care for.

Dean isn't surprised that Sam wants to hunt the Demon down after the funeral. Isn't surprised at the mood swings that plague the younger Winchester. Sam is more like their father than he likes to admit.

"We'll get it Sam. We will," Dean promises later as he watches Sam sleep. He'll do anything to make up for letting Jess die, for the colors he has never seen, be stolen from his brother. Even if it kills him.


	2. Broken Colors

Going back to a world of grays and blacks is like going from being able to taste food to suddenly only being able to taste rotten food. It's horrible and Sam hates it. He doesn't understand how Dean can stand it.

" _Can't miss something you've never had. And personally, I don't ever want to see colors."_

It infuriates Sam that Dean can be so flippant about colors, about soulmates. He'd do anything to be able to see colors again. Dean just gives him a half smile and shakes his head every time it's brought up. He remembers when he was younger that he was so sure that Dean would be his soulmate, sometimes soulmates take time to happen especially if they are platonic soulmates. His young mind couldn't imagine a time without his older brother. But as he grew it became obvious that it was a dream.

 _He conveniently ignores the sparks of green that suggest a bond is being built though scientists still argue that platonic soulmates exist because they don't happen instantly. He conveniently forgets the bundle of money he found in his backpack when he left. It's a Winchester thing ignoring things right in front of their faces._

They hunt and green flashes in his eyes at times and it drives him nuts, the teasing of colors that go away before he can grasp it. He dreams of Jess and wallows in the guilt of not being able to save her. It's his fault. All his fault. He shouldn't have left. It tears at him and in return he tears at Dean.

They split at one point. He can't take it anymore. Hates everything, not knowing or caring that just maybe his brother is seeing splashes of brown but not knowing it. Hitchhiking is easy and hard all at once. He meets Meg. It's nice even if he can only see her in grayscale. But then something starts tugging on his gut. A feeling that his father told him to always follow. So he leaves Meg, wishing her luck and rushes back to his brother.

"He's family," he tells her as if it explains everything. To him it does. He doesn't have much of one; just Dean and Bobby, sometimes Father Murphy and Caleb and of course their dad.

His brother who almost died and he almost wasn't there for him. It reminds him why he hates hunting. Why he wanted to get away. But the green is back and Dean is in his arms. Things start to speed up after that and they get thrown together with their dad.

The dad that he can't seem to go three seconds without getting into a fight with. He loves his father he does but the man treats them like soldiers rather than his family and it chafes at Sam. John doesn't understand it, will probably never understand it. All he cares about is revenge...

"So do you Sammy. Fighting the good fight is good and all but you're a bit more focused on ole yellow eyes too," Dean says in the quiet of the night. Dad's left again and Sam closes his eyes knowing that Dean is right. It's a slap in the face but it's true.

All too soon they are facing Azazel and Dean is begging him not to kill their dad. And John is begging him to kill him and it's all too much. He can't kill John. He can't. Even if John is a bastard he is still his father. Later he wishes he had. Dean is in the hospital only there is not faith healer with a trapped Reaper to help them now. Dean is dying, the green he's come to love is flickering. He hates it. Hates how John is just content to let it happen. Then the green goes away and he screams, collapses to his knees clutching his head.

John is there, he feels his father's arms around him as he begs- just like he did with Jess- for the green to stay. The color comes back and the doctors say there isn't much hope. But against all odds, Dean comes back. He comes back and Sam is beyond happy. Until he finds his dad dead in his hospital room.

Sam watches as Dean falls apart. He's stuck on the sideline as the one constant in his life shatters. Bobby tries, and Dean latches onto him like a drowning person. Sam thinks that hunting may help Dean and drags him out on one. In a way, it does help but it doesn't. Dean is still breaking and Sam doesn't know what to do. Little by little the breaking stops and the pain settles.

Then they get the Trickster case. Colors explode before his eyes and at the worst possible time. They are hunting and they are at a college. There are so many people and Sam doesn't know which one sparked the colors. How can a person be his soulmate if he doesn't know them!? He angsts over it as they try and deal with the Trickster but it's hard with them at each other's throats again. He doesn't mention the colors until they flicker.

"You okay Sam?"

Sam shrugs.

"Dude I just invited you to start a chick flick moment take it."

"The colors came back... And then they went away when we ganked the Trickster."

"Shit."

"They... uh... have come back..."

Dean looks constipated.

"So you have a soulmate that is a Trickster... Well, fuck that sucks... At least he's still alive?"

There is a strain in his voice like he is trying not to scream or yell. Sam shrugs again. It doesn't matter. They'll gank him the next time they see him.

"We don't... have to... I mean..."

"Dude he killed people."

"Assholes."

"He's a monster."

"So was Lorene but we let her go."

"Why are you being so calm about this!?"

"Because I want you to be happy damn it! You've wanted to see in colors since you were five fucking years old! I ain't too happy that the person who gave them back to you is that Trickster asshole but at least you can see them again! At least you have something other than revenge again. And maybe... maybe you can convince him to be a good guy."

 _And in true Winchester fashion, good things only happen after bad. Shit hits the fan, he dies and comes back. Azazel dies and he has less than a year left with Dean. Then Dean dies because Sam can't save him, can't find a way to stop the hellhounds from ripping his brother to pieces. He's thinking about ending it all, has the gun in his mouth when he shows up. He just blinks in and takes the gun from Sam like he has every right to. He sits there while Sam falls apart. He sits there and rocks Sam to sleep and is there when he wakes up._


	3. Living A Lie

It's funny how quickly a lie can become truth. He's told himself that he is a trickster, that he is the Norse god Loki, because it's easier than the truth. It's easier than admitting that he's a coward who ran away from his broken home full of fighting siblings and a distant father.

 _At least back then he thought himself a coward. But he has since learned that it is okay to think of himself above the nebulous_ _ **them**_ _that consists of his family._

It's easier than admitting that he hated the colors he was created able to see. And when he- by perfect accident- finds his perfect vessel and loses all the colors he rejoices. The others hadn't felt right and while they let him in they didn't want to leave. His perfect vessel though was happy to step back and leave Loki the reigns. He didn't understand Loki's jubilation at the loss of colors nor did he understand his mild panic when they started to creep back in. It starts with the color of her eyes, her name lost to time- _Illaya_ \- and slowly expands. He fears loving her, too unsure it is he that she loves and not the one she thinks he is. But she loved him even after he told her the lie/truth and it hurts when she does.

Years come and go- the soul of his vessel quietly asking to go to heaven leaving him with the fleeting mortals around him- and he loves and loses people. Then one year the color explodes like it never has before leaving Loki stunned. Bright and strong just like the person who brought them. A male hunter of the supernatural intent on killing him for the 'wrongs' he has done. A person who he shouldn't touch because the touch of another is on him. Sam Winchester is not the first male to be his Soulmate but he is the one Loki wants to stay, even if it means confronting a brother he hasn't seen in a millennium. But Sam is a hunter and Loki is playing Trickster. Pretending to die is easy, he's done it before to cut ties- this is the first time he feels guilt doing it though.

He plans on just watching over Sam- when the relief that the colors are still there after his stunt- being the invisible guardian angel silently guiding the soul of a damned person. That comes crashing to the ground, burning like a witch at the pyre when he sees Sam with a gun in his mouth. He knew that losing Dean would be hard on Sam but not this hard.

" _I ain't someone you want around you."_

The first bit of actual truth he has spoken in years leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. He's been playing Trickster too long and he fears he may never be able to stop telling lies with hints of truth. Fears what will happen to Sam if his brother gets out of the Cage and sees them together. Lucifer has never been one to share. Loki runs his fingers through Sam's hair, his heart breaking at the empty look in Sam's eyes as the human says:

" _Neither am I. Everyone I love dies."_

Loki cracks a joke because that's what he does and he catches the shards of his Soulmate. Pieces him back together, gives a big middle finger to fare as he keeps Sam from seeking revenge.

"Focusing on revenge is what caused Dean to make the deal which lead to his death in the first place. What will you lose fighting Lilith?"

It's a low blow and he hates himself for saying it but it's the only thing he knows will keep Sam from meeting his doom. From reconnecting with Ruby and all the badness that will follow. Distantly he feels his brothers and stirring. Their interest in Earth rekindling.

"I won't let them hurt you," he whispers in the soft twilight one night. He's curled against the back of his Soulmate, the grace of the others prickling at his tightly bound grace and tickling at his skin. They don't feel him for _him_ , it's just a curious brush, wanting to know who is with Lucifer's chosen one. Sam murmurs something in his sleep, Loki thinks it has to do with the last hunt Sam went on but he isn't sure. It's cute how Sam talks in his sleep now that he isn't hunting with the same vengeance he was. They've settled down in a small no name town and Sam only hunts when things get too close to them. Bobby comes around- mainly to make sure Sam is still alive- with hints or books for Sam to read. The older hunter doesn't like Loki but they've come to an agreement- so long as Sam is happy they have a truce. Bobby doesn't want to lose his last son.

"Would you still love me, if you knew the truth?" He asks a few nights later, sitting up in bed staring at the wall. Something big is going on or fixing to happen- he's not sure which- he feels it in the way grace is static in the air and the twitches of his wings. It's been four long months since Dean's contract came do and it has Loki on edge.

Two weeks later the doorbell to their tiny one story home rings. Loki doesn't dare open the door. He can feel Bobby and another human on the other side of the door- the soul is bright even as damaged as it is but he doesn't dare get his hopes up- along with something else. A sibling of his. Sam has no problem opening the door- his greeting to Bobby dying on his tongue as he takes in the other human standing on their porch.

"Dean?"

Sam is out the door and holding onto his brother leaving Loki standing in the doorway looking at the end of the life he has created. Even with the vessel he knows who is standing at the back. Castiel. Now the question is does Castiel know who he is and will the jig be up before he has a chance to tell Sam himself.

"Yeah it's me."

There will be tests to prove Dean is Dean. A demon trap under the rug inside the door and holy water laced beers to name a few but for now Sam is basking in the presence of his brother and Loki is dreading the presence of his own.


	4. From The Pit To The Pan

There is little that Castiel wouldn't do for Heaven. Including traveling to the pits of Hell to raise the soul of the Righteous Man from Perdition. The task wasn't an easy one and many of his brothers and sisters who took up their blades with him perished in the raid. But the pride he felt in completing a task many died to do was all encompassing. Not that he knew the name of the human emotion as he cradled the shivering scared soul close to his grace. The buoying feelings are all that keeps him on his feet when he obtains a vessel- a devout man named James Novak who prefers to be called Jimmy- and the bright colors that had been his constant companion since his creation abandoned him. The accompanying stab of something- _worry_ \- from James over his wife doesn't help.

He retreats strategically- _runs away like a coward_ Jimmy snips- leaving the Righteous Man to dig himself out of his grave. Angel's don't panic, he tells himself while Jimmy laughs at him. The man might have accepted being his vessel but that didn't mean he would stay quiet. In fact, the human seems to love telling exactly what the few stabs of emotion he feels are. They check on Jimmy's wife- she's fine, just worried by the sudden muteness of color- before traveling back to where they left the Righteous Man. He's not there. _Did you expect him to be?_ Jimmy asks curiously, _He just came back from the dead. I'd find a bar and get wasted._ Castiel isn't sure what wasted is but he stretches out his grace in hopes of locating his charge. When he locates the Righteous Man he flies to him.

His first meeting goes much better than the one fate originally had planned. He doesn't make a mess of introductions by knocking out Robert Singer or scaring his young charge. That being said he still ends up stabbed. _That's going to heal when you leave my body right?_ It's been a week since he raised Dean from the very pit of hell and the hunter looks worse for wear. As Castiel gazes at Dean's soul he feels his grace curdle, the Righteous Man spilt blood in hell. The first seal is broken. He wasn't fast enough. It's frustrating that the humans refuse to listen to him when he tells them they must go They must stop Lilith from opening up the Seals. _I have a feeling God himself could tell Dean to do something and get the bird for trying._

"I want to see Sammy," Dean says looking at Bobby, "Now that we know that a demon ain't the cause of me coming back. I want to see with my own eyes that he's okay."

So Castiel grudgingly follows Dean and Bobby to a small house. He feels the slightly tainted soul of Sam Winchester- not quite the abomination his older siblings told him he would be- and something else in the house. The reunion of the two brothers is touching or at least Jimmy says it's touching. To Castiel, it is a mess of human nature and feelings. They press their bodies to each other and water leaks from their eyes. _Or you know they hug and cry_ Jimmy mutters and Castiel knows that if Jimmy could he would roll his eyes. They are invited into the tiny house and each of them has to be 'tested' to make sure they are who they say they are.

Castiel watches as Dean hugs the short man who feels familiar but isn't. Watches as Dean thinks thankful thoughts, that there was someone watching over his brother when he could not, that his brother is happy, that the Trickster that is his brother's soulmate stopped killing.

"That is not a Trickster," he speaks without meaning to, too focused on trying to discover what the creature before him is.

"You're right," Sam says and Castiel looks over to him, "He's _the_ Trickster. Loki."

"Hot damn Samantha," Dean whistles impressed and worried- according to Jimmy- over his brothers mate. That too is wrong, though. The creature is without a doubt saturated in pagan magic now that he knows what to look for but there is something more beneath that. _Keep staring at the man like that and I'm going to worry about my virtue_ , Jimmy quips softly.

He's watching over Dean while the human sleeps- which is _not_ creepy, thank you Jimmy- when it hits him. Phantom wings caress him, whisper praises in his ears, tells him that there is love if you look for it.

" _Gabriel_ ," he whispers, heart shattering into a million pieces over a brother he thought lost but isn't. He hears a sigh and glances toward the door. The vessel that his renegade brother has taken is leaning against the doorway. There is a sad look on his face but _Gabriel_ just stands there, his hands in his pockets.

" _Why_?" his voice breaks and cracks and he feels as if his very being is being torn asunder.

"Hey, little brother."


End file.
